I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
