In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
