So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
