Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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