A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
