**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
