not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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