Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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