we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
