I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
