Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I have surprise drugs for everyone
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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