i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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