evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
