i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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