Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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