i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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