she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
