so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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