Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
