i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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