Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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