I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
