Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
