I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
