A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
