1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just want to make out with him forever
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
