I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
