what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
