Quick, to the slutcave!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
