There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
