You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
After last night, I could never be a politician.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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