I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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