Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
