im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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