Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
