pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Randomize
