Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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