my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
