I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize