I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
