I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
