Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
