My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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