He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
soo... how was my night?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
