My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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