You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize