Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
