i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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