The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
