remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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