what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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