Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize