I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
