My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You smell like a Billy Joel song
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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