i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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