Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
