2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
