my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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