You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
