you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize