I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
