The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
