Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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