I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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