Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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