Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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