I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
